Haiku Movie Review Part 2, 8/20/10

Nanny McPhee Returns

I would like Mary
Poppins better if she would
brush her ugly tooth

Haiku Movie Review, 8/20/10

Piranha 3-D

Better to be fish
food than a kangaroo's bitch,
Jerry O'Connell

Ode to Snooki from some damn Reality Show

I still possess my

soul; for I don't know who this

carp-mouthed trashoid is

Haiku Movie Review to the Third Power, 8/13/10

Scott Pilgrim vs. the World

I love a smart flick,

edited so frenetic

that it makes me puke

Haiku Movie Review, Part Deux, 8/13/10

Eat Pray Love

Go on a worldwide

trip with Julia Roberts'

giant forehead vein

Haiku Movie Review, 8/13/10

The Expendables

Co-starring with Sly

Stallone's face in this movie:

Joan Rivers' eyebrows

Summer Movie Catch-Up, Zac Efron Division

Charlie St. Cloud

I contemplate death

while batting my dreamy eyes,

heaving my buff chest

Summer Movie Catch-Up, Yeah, More: Adrien Brody, internal dialogue re: Predators

I have an Oscar

but would like to become the

next Casper Van Dien

(Microsoft Paint portrait, "Adrien Brody Contemplates," by

Viper Tetsu. Cut me some slack. I did it in five minutes.)

Summer Movie Catch-Up, Revisited: The A-Team

Turn B.A. into

a wuss for the first hour? Sounds


like box office GOLD!!!

Summer Movie Catch-Up Time:Memo to Nolan re: Inception (for Dave, with Love)

Spoil your great mindf$%#

by casting the guy with the

massive baby head 

Haiku Movie Review, 9/24/09

The Informant

If Soderbergh farts
into a high-def cam'ra,
crits will still piss selves

Julia Roberts disrupts Indian worshippers shooting her new piece o' piffle

You'd be real mean if
a huge alien worm lived
in your forehead, too...

Megan Fox has 'Sexual Superpowers'

Maybe she can use

'em to help me recall what

the Hell she looks like

Fish-in-a-Barrel Time, Just 'Cause: Catching up with Bai Ling

If I had a dime

for ev'ry nip slip, I could

buy Oprah's soul, babe.

Transformers Crew Slams Megan Fox

I still can't pick this
flat-abbed Barbie Doll out of
a police line-up

Haiku Movie Review, 8/28/09

Taking Woodstock

Be nice to Snoopy's
little yellow buddy, you
damn smelly hippies

Haiku Movie Review mach 2, 8/28/09

Inglourious Basterds

I love Quentin T
enough to put up with Pitt's
crappy hick accent

Rotten Tomatoes Rips my Ass Off, maybe

If you're gonna steal
from the Master, at least nick
some laughs, Chuckleheads...

Diana Ross may get custody of Michael Jackson's children

She'll be a great mom

'cept when she eats viscera
in front of the kids...

Ten Movies'll be Vying for Best Picture Oscar in 2010

Thank God! That means that
Madea Goes to Jail could
take home Oscar GOLD!!

Haiku Movie Review, 6/24/09

Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen (again)

Will Megan Fox's
over-firm ass turn into
a car or something?

Haiku Movie Review, 6/24/09

Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen

LaBeefaroni
retreats back to a franchise
he did not help kill

Haiku Movie Review Deux, 6/20/09

Year One

Caveman looks like George
Bernard Shaw compared to this
fossilized li'l turd

Haiku Movie Review, 6/20/09

The Proposal

Cannuck Editor
Dame! Maybe the Deadpool Boy
can marry your ass

Haiku Movie Review Part Deux, 6/13/09

Imagine That

Keep gumming at that
cinematic oatmeal, Old
Comic Geezer Man

Haiku Movie Review, 6/12/09

The Taking of Pelham 123

The first one? A cup
of New York joe. The new one?
Jolt Cola, no fizz.

Christopher Lee Knighted!

Show some respect: You'll
need to refer to him as
SIR Dracula now

Bret Michaels' Clock Cleaned at Emmy Awards

It's about damn time
someone got him to peel off
that cheesy-assed hat

Haiku Movie Review 5/28/09, Warp Factor 2

Up


A smart, quality
animated flick? Pixar
must think we're all chumps...

Haiku Movie Review 5/28/09, Phase 1

Drag Me to Hell


Hey, Mac Guy--if your
Mac is so great, why can't it
delete demon hags?

Health Concerns for Mel Gibson's Outta-Wedlock Kid-to-Be

Can a toddler get
diabetes suckling its
mother's Sugart%ts?

Haiku Movie Review 3, 5/22/09

Terminator Salvation

Sucking in your cheeks

won't add gravitas, Grumpy

Method Actor Boy

Haiku Movie Review Part 1, 5/22/09

Dance Flick

The next stale spoof will
be written, directed by
some Wayans zygotes

Haiku Movie Review Part 2, 5/22/09

Night at the Museum: Battle of the Smithsonian

May I replace the
monkey and smack Ben Stiller
for doing this crap?

TWILIGHT kid plays Salvador Dali in indie flick: WTF?

Talks to get Paris
Hilton to portray Gala
just fell the hell through:(...

Haiku Movie Review, 5/15/09

Angels and Demons

At least Hanks has ditched
that greasy sub-mullet 'do
from the first movie...

Haiku Movie Review, 5/11/09

Star Trek

Even crusty Bones

is pretty; everyone in

space is so pretty

Kirstie Alley Puts on the Pounds

She gained 83
pounds, and is over forty:
Execute her, please

Haiku Movie Review, Mayday 2009 Part IV

X-Men Origins: Wolverine

There's Jackman shirtless:

As for the rest of the film...

Well...Jackman's shirtless

Haiku Movie Review, Mayday 2009, in Supadupa 3-D

Obsessed


Sacha Fierce needn't
worry 'bout clearing mantle
space for that Oscar

Haiku Movie Review, Mayday 2009, Part Deux

Ghosts of Girlfriends Past

Spectres rip open
Grinning Dimwit Redneck's bowels!!
...Not. A guy can dream...

Haiku Movie Review, Mayday 2009

17 Again

Pretty baby-faced
man/boy: eats spray-can Cheez-Whiz,
makes all the 'tweens sigh

Haiku Movie Review, 4/11/09 Part 3

Observe and Report

Some homage Brando;
Seth Rogan homages that
twonk from King of Queens

Haiku Movie Review, 4/11/09 Mach 2

Fast and Furious (mach 2)

Not many steps up

from fond'ling sh%t-caked diapers,
Scowling Diesel Man

Haiku Movie Review, 4/11/09

Fast and Furious

Not quite a remake;
they took the 'the's out of the
damned movie's title

Billy Bob goes Ballistic

Ghomeshi mis-spoke:

that's 'Oscar-winning A$$hole',

buddy. Get it right!

Radiohead Snubs Hannah Montana

I salute thee, o
mopey limey bastards: You've
made my f$#king week

Haiku Movie Review, 3/13/09

Race to Witch Mountain

That smell isn't what
The Rock's cooking...it's the stench
of his dead career

A Realistic assessment of WATCHMEN's success

Sure, it made a mint;
but will it play to folks who
don't live with their moms?

Economy, Schmeconomy! Now THIS is news...

Chimp Mauls Stupid Woman's Face: A Random Reflection

Doctor Zira: Now,

THERE'S a chimp who knows how to

kiss a human right

Haiku Movie Review, 2/13/09

Friday the 13th

Screw this remake: I'm

holding out for a scare flick

about Arbor Day

Haiku Movie Review, 2/12/09

Confessions of a Shopaholic

Hey, Perky Greedhead--
maybe Macy's sells film scripts
that are worth a sh%t

Why Nadya Suleman Should Not Breed

Yeah, she's stupid and

stuff, but she also looks like

an orangutang

Haiku Movie Review, 2/8/09, Part 1.2

He's Just Not That Into You

Haiku Movie Review, 2/8/09

The Pink Panther 2

No, it's not The Pink
Panther, Part Deux: It's The Pink
Panther, Part Doo-Doo

Super Bowl XLIII: An Assessment in Haiku

An embarassment

to my gender I am: I

did not give a sh#t

Michael Phelps Huffs Hookah; Hypocrites Harrumph

Cut the kid a break...

Smoke a fattie, eat some snacks,

and frickin' CHILL, world.

Better late than never to pick on Pitt: SAG Red Carpet 09

All he needs to look

like my old shop teacher; His

finger up his nose

Jessica Simpson Gains Weight

Repugnant fat cow;

How dare you sport any curves

like real-life women

Haiku Movie Review,1/29/09, Mach 2

TAKEN

Shave your head, Liam
Neeson: then you'll be even
more like Vin Diesel

Haiku Movie Review, 1/29/09, Mach 1

NEW IN TOWN

Li'l Clenched-Sphincter-Face
falls in love with that jug-eared
has-been crooner guy

Skinny Smartypants is Commander-in-Chief

...And I was getting
used to that Texas jackboot
against my windpipe

Security Oaf breaks bank for the second week!

Ex-sitcom nuisance

stars in cinematic sack

of greasy corn chips

Brad Pitt won a Golden Globe for that Button thing...

Digitally-age

a pretty monkey, the press

swears he's a genius

Sorry it's been awhile, but...

Day job sucks 'way my
time like a hyena sucks
marrow from dry bones

Lloyd Webber Pens Phantom Sequel

Please, God, stop Mr.

Rodent-Cheeked Hack before he

composes again

Haiku Movie Review, 12/30/08

Valkyrie

Give a monkey an

eyepatch and he'll swear he's a

serious artist

Haiku Movie Review, December 29

The Spirit

Thank you, Frank Miller

for such a stylish coal lump

'neath the Christmas tree

Horton Hears A Haiku Review, 12/14/2008

New-ish on DVD: Horton Hears a Who

Jim Carrey cracking
smarmy over Dr. Seuss?
This'll NEVER date!!

Velvet Goldmine: A Tribute in Japanese Meter

Lipstick Flash: The pout

slinks around the world to a

gutter-glam backbeat

Haiku Movie Review, 9/26/08, Film 2

Eagle Eye

Wipe that choc'late milk
face hair off your young kisser,
LaBeefaroni

Haiku Movie Review, 9/26/08: Film 1

Nights in Rodanthe

For the love of God,
Gere kisses Diane Lane like
David frickin' Gest

Nathan of Film Experience Mutates CHANGELING: A Tribute in Haiku

Mad Doctor Eastwood

constructs giant pillow-lipped

monster that eats gold

Haiku Movie Review 9/19/08 Part 3 in 3D (not)

My Best Friend's Girl


Hudson and Cook--Two
mental amputees in an
ass-kicking contest

Haiku Movie Review, 9/19/08 Part Deux

Lakeview Terrace

I'm a mushroom-cloud
laying motherf**ker when
I see crap like this

Haiku Movie Review, 9/19/08

(Special Guest Artist for this Haiku Movie Review, Gallery of the Absurd's 14)

Haiku Movie Review: Film 2, Chapter 2

The Women.2

There is only lint
in your navel, Meg Ryan
stop gazing at it...

Haiku Movie Review: Film 2, Chapter 1

The Women

Cukor gave us dames;
The Murphy Brown scribe gives us
Con$umer$ with Brea$t$

Haiku Movie Review, 9/12/08: Film 1, Chapter 3

Burn After Reading.3

In a creative
bit of casting, Brad Pitt plays
a frickin' idjit

Haiku Movie Review, 9/12/08: Film 1, Chapter 2

Burn After Reading.2

Large Hadron Super
Collider imploded and
Voila! Pitt's hairdo

Haiku Movie Review, 9/12/08: Film 1, Chapter 1

Burn After Reading

A rice-paper-thin
followup to last year's Best
Picture? You BETCHA!

Bangkok Dangerous: A Nicholas Cage Internal Dialogue

Gaze with wonder at
my Marilyn Manson wig
while I blow things up

Thoughtful Rumination on Presidential Candidates, Part 1

I like the jug-eared
beanpole better than the old
geezer with the mumps

Haiku Movie Review, 8/29/08

Babylon AD

Children of Men screws
its own cousin, gives birth to
inbred moron film

Haiku Movie Review, 8/29/08

College

Grotesque weasel kid
from American Idol
does Nerdsploitation

Isaac Hayes is Gone...Can You Dig It?

Xenu’s mothership
Has come for the baddest bad
mutha of all time...

Shia LaBeefaroni to Lose his Hand?

Maybe Darth Vader

will chop the kid's mitt off, tell

him he's his father

Haiku Movie Review, 8/6/08

Brideshead Revisited

Upper-crust? Who cares!
Emma Thompson is smoking
with that hot white hair

Damn Dead Site Meter

Pulled my Site Meter;

you can visit again, but

no visit count now...

Say it Ain't So: Batman Beats his Momma and Sis

Please God, tell me Bale's

POWs and ZAPs were confined to

the multiplex screen

More Fully-Dilated Truth about Breeder Chic: Part 4

(openly inspired by July 11 entry in Gallery of the Absurd: Thanks to 14 and Candy Kirby for thought food)


My seed swims to you
incubator for my horde--
snot-nosed floor-lickers

A C-Section to Breeder Chic, Part 3

(openly inspired by July 11 entry in Gallery of the Absurd: Thanks to 14 and Candy Kirby for thought food)

My vajayjay is
a factory cranking out
screaming earth killers

Breeder Chic Rant (With Contractions at Faster Intervals), Part 2

(openly inspired by July 11 entry in Gallery of the Absurd: Thanks to 14 and Candy Kirby for thought food)


Breeder algebra
the bigger dumba$$ you are
the more pups you poop