Haiku Movie Review, 9/24/09

The Informant

If Soderbergh farts
into a high-def cam'ra,
crits will still piss selves

Julia Roberts disrupts Indian worshippers shooting her new piece o' piffle

You'd be real mean if
a huge alien worm lived
in your forehead, too...

Megan Fox has 'Sexual Superpowers'

Maybe she can use

'em to help me recall what

the Hell she looks like

Fish-in-a-Barrel Time, Just 'Cause: Catching up with Bai Ling

If I had a dime

for ev'ry nip slip, I could

buy Oprah's soul, babe.

Transformers Crew Slams Megan Fox

I still can't pick this
flat-abbed Barbie Doll out of
a police line-up

Haiku Movie Review, 8/28/09

Taking Woodstock

Be nice to Snoopy's
little yellow buddy, you
damn smelly hippies

Haiku Movie Review mach 2, 8/28/09

Inglourious Basterds

I love Quentin T
enough to put up with Pitt's
crappy hick accent

Rotten Tomatoes Rips my Ass Off, maybe

If you're gonna steal
from the Master, at least nick
some laughs, Chuckleheads...

Diana Ross may get custody of Michael Jackson's children

She'll be a great mom

'cept when she eats viscera
in front of the kids...

Ten Movies'll be Vying for Best Picture Oscar in 2010

Thank God! That means that
Madea Goes to Jail could
take home Oscar GOLD!!

Haiku Movie Review, 6/24/09

Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen (again)

Will Megan Fox's
over-firm ass turn into
a car or something?

Haiku Movie Review, 6/24/09

Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen

LaBeefaroni
retreats back to a franchise
he did not help kill

Haiku Movie Review Deux, 6/20/09

Year One

Caveman looks like George
Bernard Shaw compared to this
fossilized li'l turd

Haiku Movie Review, 6/20/09

The Proposal

Cannuck Editor
Dame! Maybe the Deadpool Boy
can marry your ass

Haiku Movie Review Part Deux, 6/13/09

Imagine That

Keep gumming at that
cinematic oatmeal, Old
Comic Geezer Man

Haiku Movie Review, 6/12/09

The Taking of Pelham 123

The first one? A cup
of New York joe. The new one?
Jolt Cola, no fizz.

Christopher Lee Knighted!

Show some respect: You'll
need to refer to him as
SIR Dracula now

Bret Michaels' Clock Cleaned at Emmy Awards

It's about damn time
someone got him to peel off
that cheesy-assed hat

Haiku Movie Review 5/28/09, Warp Factor 2

Up


A smart, quality
animated flick? Pixar
must think we're all chumps...

Haiku Movie Review 5/28/09, Phase 1

Drag Me to Hell


Hey, Mac Guy--if your
Mac is so great, why can't it
delete demon hags?

Health Concerns for Mel Gibson's Outta-Wedlock Kid-to-Be

Can a toddler get
diabetes suckling its
mother's Sugart%ts?

Haiku Movie Review 3, 5/22/09

Terminator Salvation

Sucking in your cheeks

won't add gravitas, Grumpy

Method Actor Boy

Haiku Movie Review Part 1, 5/22/09

Dance Flick

The next stale spoof will
be written, directed by
some Wayans zygotes

Haiku Movie Review Part 2, 5/22/09

Night at the Museum: Battle of the Smithsonian

May I replace the
monkey and smack Ben Stiller
for doing this crap?

TWILIGHT kid plays Salvador Dali in indie flick: WTF?

Talks to get Paris
Hilton to portray Gala
just fell the hell through:(...

Haiku Movie Review, 5/15/09

Angels and Demons

At least Hanks has ditched
that greasy sub-mullet 'do
from the first movie...

Haiku Movie Review, 5/11/09

Star Trek

Even crusty Bones

is pretty; everyone in

space is so pretty

Kirstie Alley Puts on the Pounds

She gained 83
pounds, and is over forty:
Execute her, please

Haiku Movie Review, Mayday 2009 Part IV

X-Men Origins: Wolverine

There's Jackman shirtless:

As for the rest of the film...

Well...Jackman's shirtless

Haiku Movie Review, Mayday 2009, in Supadupa 3-D

Obsessed


Sacha Fierce needn't
worry 'bout clearing mantle
space for that Oscar

Haiku Movie Review, Mayday 2009, Part Deux

Ghosts of Girlfriends Past

Spectres rip open
Grinning Dimwit Redneck's bowels!!
...Not. A guy can dream...

Haiku Movie Review, Mayday 2009

17 Again

Pretty baby-faced
man/boy: eats spray-can Cheez-Whiz,
makes all the 'tweens sigh

Haiku Movie Review, 4/11/09 Part 3

Observe and Report

Some homage Brando;
Seth Rogan homages that
twonk from King of Queens

Haiku Movie Review, 4/11/09 Mach 2

Fast and Furious (mach 2)

Not many steps up

from fond'ling sh%t-caked diapers,
Scowling Diesel Man

Haiku Movie Review, 4/11/09

Fast and Furious

Not quite a remake;
they took the 'the's out of the
damned movie's title

Billy Bob goes Ballistic

Ghomeshi mis-spoke:

that's 'Oscar-winning A$$hole',

buddy. Get it right!

Radiohead Snubs Hannah Montana

I salute thee, o
mopey limey bastards: You've
made my f$#king week

Haiku Movie Review, 3/13/09

Race to Witch Mountain

That smell isn't what
The Rock's cooking...it's the stench
of his dead career

A Realistic assessment of WATCHMEN's success

Sure, it made a mint;
but will it play to folks who
don't live with their moms?

Economy, Schmeconomy! Now THIS is news...

Chimp Mauls Stupid Woman's Face: A Random Reflection

Doctor Zira: Now,

THERE'S a chimp who knows how to

kiss a human right

Haiku Movie Review, 2/13/09

Friday the 13th

Screw this remake: I'm

holding out for a scare flick

about Arbor Day

Haiku Movie Review, 2/12/09

Confessions of a Shopaholic

Hey, Perky Greedhead--
maybe Macy's sells film scripts
that are worth a sh%t

Why Nadya Suleman Should Not Breed

Yeah, she's stupid and

stuff, but she also looks like

an orangutang

Haiku Movie Review, 2/8/09, Part 1.2

He's Just Not That Into You

Haiku Movie Review, 2/8/09

The Pink Panther 2

No, it's not The Pink
Panther, Part Deux: It's The Pink
Panther, Part Doo-Doo

Super Bowl XLIII: An Assessment in Haiku

An embarassment

to my gender I am: I

did not give a sh#t

Michael Phelps Huffs Hookah; Hypocrites Harrumph

Cut the kid a break...

Smoke a fattie, eat some snacks,

and frickin' CHILL, world.

Better late than never to pick on Pitt: SAG Red Carpet 09

All he needs to look

like my old shop teacher; His

finger up his nose

Jessica Simpson Gains Weight

Repugnant fat cow;

How dare you sport any curves

like real-life women

Haiku Movie Review,1/29/09, Mach 2

TAKEN

Shave your head, Liam
Neeson: then you'll be even
more like Vin Diesel

Haiku Movie Review, 1/29/09, Mach 1

NEW IN TOWN

Li'l Clenched-Sphincter-Face
falls in love with that jug-eared
has-been crooner guy

Skinny Smartypants is Commander-in-Chief

...And I was getting
used to that Texas jackboot
against my windpipe

Security Oaf breaks bank for the second week!

Ex-sitcom nuisance

stars in cinematic sack

of greasy corn chips

Brad Pitt won a Golden Globe for that Button thing...

Digitally-age

a pretty monkey, the press

swears he's a genius

Sorry it's been awhile, but...

Day job sucks 'way my
time like a hyena sucks
marrow from dry bones

Lloyd Webber Pens Phantom Sequel

Please, God, stop Mr.

Rodent-Cheeked Hack before he

composes again

Haiku Movie Review, 12/30/08

Valkyrie

Give a monkey an

eyepatch and he'll swear he's a

serious artist

Haiku Movie Review, December 29

The Spirit

Thank you, Frank Miller

for such a stylish coal lump

'neath the Christmas tree

Horton Hears A Haiku Review, 12/14/2008

New-ish on DVD: Horton Hears a Who

Jim Carrey cracking
smarmy over Dr. Seuss?
This'll NEVER date!!

Velvet Goldmine: A Tribute in Japanese Meter

Lipstick Flash: The pout

slinks around the world to a

gutter-glam backbeat

Haiku Movie Review, 9/26/08, Film 2

Eagle Eye

Wipe that choc'late milk
face hair off your young kisser,
LaBeefaroni

Haiku Movie Review, 9/26/08: Film 1

Nights in Rodanthe

For the love of God,
Gere kisses Diane Lane like
David frickin' Gest

Nathan of Film Experience Mutates CHANGELING: A Tribute in Haiku

Mad Doctor Eastwood

constructs giant pillow-lipped

monster that eats gold

Haiku Movie Review 9/19/08 Part 3 in 3D (not)

My Best Friend's Girl


Hudson and Cook--Two
mental amputees in an
ass-kicking contest

Haiku Movie Review, 9/19/08 Part Deux

Lakeview Terrace

I'm a mushroom-cloud
laying motherf**ker when
I see crap like this

Haiku Movie Review, 9/19/08

(Special Guest Artist for this Haiku Movie Review, Gallery of the Absurd's 14)

Haiku Movie Review: Film 2, Chapter 2

The Women.2

There is only lint
in your navel, Meg Ryan
stop gazing at it...

Haiku Movie Review: Film 2, Chapter 1

The Women

Cukor gave us dames;
The Murphy Brown scribe gives us
Con$umer$ with Brea$t$

Haiku Movie Review, 9/12/08: Film 1, Chapter 3

Burn After Reading.3

In a creative
bit of casting, Brad Pitt plays
a frickin' idjit

Haiku Movie Review, 9/12/08: Film 1, Chapter 2

Burn After Reading.2

Large Hadron Super
Collider imploded and
Voila! Pitt's hairdo

Haiku Movie Review, 9/12/08: Film 1, Chapter 1

Burn After Reading

A rice-paper-thin
followup to last year's Best
Picture? You BETCHA!

Bangkok Dangerous: A Nicholas Cage Internal Dialogue

Gaze with wonder at
my Marilyn Manson wig
while I blow things up

Thoughtful Rumination on Presidential Candidates, Part 1

I like the jug-eared
beanpole better than the old
geezer with the mumps

Haiku Movie Review, 8/29/08

Babylon AD

Children of Men screws
its own cousin, gives birth to
inbred moron film

Haiku Movie Review, 8/29/08

College

Grotesque weasel kid
from American Idol
does Nerdsploitation

Isaac Hayes is Gone...Can You Dig It?

Xenu’s mothership
Has come for the baddest bad
mutha of all time...

Shia LaBeefaroni to Lose his Hand?

Maybe Darth Vader

will chop the kid's mitt off, tell

him he's his father

Haiku Movie Review, 8/6/08

Brideshead Revisited

Upper-crust? Who cares!
Emma Thompson is smoking
with that hot white hair

Damn Dead Site Meter

Pulled my Site Meter;

you can visit again, but

no visit count now...

Say it Ain't So: Batman Beats his Momma and Sis

Please God, tell me Bale's

POWs and ZAPs were confined to

the multiplex screen

More Fully-Dilated Truth about Breeder Chic: Part 4

(openly inspired by July 11 entry in Gallery of the Absurd: Thanks to 14 and Candy Kirby for thought food)


My seed swims to you
incubator for my horde--
snot-nosed floor-lickers

A C-Section to Breeder Chic, Part 3

(openly inspired by July 11 entry in Gallery of the Absurd: Thanks to 14 and Candy Kirby for thought food)

My vajayjay is
a factory cranking out
screaming earth killers

Breeder Chic Rant (With Contractions at Faster Intervals), Part 2

(openly inspired by July 11 entry in Gallery of the Absurd: Thanks to 14 and Candy Kirby for thought food)


Breeder algebra
the bigger dumba$$ you are
the more pups you poop

The Swollen Belly of Truth Behind Breeder Chic, Part 1

(openly inspired by July 11 entry in Gallery of the Absurd: Thanks to 14 and Candy Kirby for thought food)

Crabby baby with
s%!t-caked diapers; mewling and
suckling your udders

Haiku Movie Review, 6/22/08

The Love Guru

Nothing fuels cosmic

enlightenment like a few

fart and penis jokes

Haiku Movie Review, 6/19/08

Get Smart

At least it's better
than that putrescent poop pile,
Evan Almighty

R Kelly Cleared of Child Porn Charges

Guess R's a shoo-in
for that guest shot on Hannah
Montana right now...

Kung Fu Panda Cruelly Mocks Sensitive Demographic

It'll just make fat

bears with no Kung Fu skills feel

really insecure

Haiku Movie Review, 6/6/08

You Don't Mess with the Zohan

Can I get big bucks

for doing a Borat voice

in a crappy wig?

Ode to Bullitt: Film Nerd Haiku times Three

Hitmen in black gloves

glower, tearing up pavement

as McQueen gives chase

Mustang on Charger

like a supersonic fly

on Turbo-Charged Sh#t...

Squealing tires, real cars:

The Fast and the Furious

can kiss my tailpipe

(image used with kind permission from 14's Gallery of the Absurd website)

Speed Racer Movie Flops: Insert Car Crash Pun Here

Chimps in beanies and

seizure-inducing colors

AREN'T box office gold??!

Haiku Movie Review, 6/3/08

Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Casper the Friendly Ghost or Something

Diet Lord of the

Rings, with a pretty boy and

a big talking cat

Post-Script to Haiku Movie Preview of 5/21/08

Indiana Jones and the Blah Blah Whatever

Maybe I should have

sacrificed a small child or

George Lucas instead

Haiku Movie Review, 5/30/08

Sex and the City: The Movie

Manolo Blahniks

come in eight diff'rent shades of

I don't give a sh*t

In case you give a rat's ass: New American Idol crowned!

The one guy with the
fancy-schmancy combover
is the big winner

Jodie Foster splits with Lover of 14 Years

The press dines on her
private life with fava beans,
a nice chianti

Winona and Keanu an Item?

Scared little mousie:
you make a first-rate beard for
that Matrix doorknob

Haiku Movie Preview, 5/21/08

Indiana Jones and the Kashkow with the Long-Assed Title

I have sacrificed

a goat to the gods in the

hope that it won't suck

Farewell, Charlton Heston

Get your stinking paws

off Charlton Heston, you damn

dirty Grim Reaper

Heather Mills rewrites the Beatles' 'Glass Onion'

Here's a twenty-four

million-pound clue for you all:

The Wallet was Paul's

Dawn 'Mary Ann' Wells Rides the Hookah Highway

I thought that it was

the mascara that made her

eyes so frickin' red

Haiku Movie Review, 3/11/08

10,000 BC

Pretty cave stud--Fight
those mammoths, but don't muss your
perfect li'l dreadlocks

Haiku Movie Review, 3/7/08

Semi-Pro

See the dead horsie

named 'Man-Boy Schtick." Flog that corpse,

Will Farrell--FLOG IT!!

Haiku Movie Review, 3/7/08

The Spiderwick Chronicles

I liked Spiderwick
better when he wore tights and
kicked Green Goblin's ass

Haiku Movie Review, 2/29/2008

Penelope

Wednesday Addams plays
Posh Spice, only with cheaper
clothes and less make-up

Pauly Shore and Wes Craven are a'feudin'!

Man who makes films 'bout

dead guys gets sued by The Thing

with The Dead Career

Haiku Movie Review, 2/2/2008

Over Her Dead Body



Walking Makeup Stain

dies, then her ghost picks on that

Boston Legal dame

Haiku Movie Review, 1/26/08

Cloverfield

Big Monster devours
obnoxious twenty-somethings.
...And this is bad, how?

Haiku Movie Review, 1/26/2008

The Bucket List

The movie might stink

less if it came inside a

colostomy bag

Miley Cyrus, Irritating Tween-Sensation Freak

No human is she:
Her carrot-munching bunny
lips scare me spitless

Guest Haiku: Birthday Greetings to Gallery of the Absurd's 14 from Paris Hilton

Haiku Movie Review, 12/13/07

The Golden Compass


The Coke Polar Bear
is a heretic: He eats
Cath'lics for lunch. Yum!

Haiku to an Extra-Unpleasant Breeder, part 1

Out with swollen t!ts

in public like some bovine;

cover em, Breeder

Haiku Movie Review, 11/16/07

Beowulf

Hey--they got some great
voice talent for this here new
Playstation 3 game

The Hollywood Writers Strike Hits Home for Haiku Composer

If this cuts into


new Cavemen episodes, it's


razor-to-wrist time

The Great Masses Weigh in on the Writers Guild Strike

Snottypance riters
hu needz yu i onlee wotch
reallutee showse

Dork arrested for stealing Indy 4 secrets could've fared worse...

If he'd have opened

that Indy 4 Zip file, his

face woulda melted

Haiku Movie Review, 11/2/07

Martian Child

Martin Blank would kick

milksop John Cusack's ass in

a Grosse Pointe minute

Feedback from the Current Administration re: Gore's Laurels

Leader of the Free
World eloquently weighs in
on Gore's Nobel Prize

Al Gore Wins Nobel Peace Prize

Good thing we kicked this
pinko hippie rat bastard
out of the White House

K-Fed Gets Kids, Required to Get Ducks in Row

Yo, yo, Judge! 'Sup? You
mean Kev can't share brews with Sean
and Jayden no more?

How Britney's Sons Should Reward their Mama's Parenting Skills

Sean and Jayden sneak
into Brit's bedroom, and then
kill her in her sleep

Haiku Movie Review, 9/26/07

Good Luck Chuck

If it looks like a

turd, and smells like a turd, it

must be Good Luck Chuck.

Prez finds shiny new US Attorney General

Bush's first choice died

when brave young Luke Skywalker

blew up the Death Star

Sacrificing that goat paid off: Kathie Lee not on THE VIEW

I miss seeing that
forehead vein and that taut skin
on morning TV.

If You Can't Say Something Nice: Britney Spears' VMA Performance

At least she wiped the

orange off her face before she

put the headset on

How MTV got Britney Spears to sing on the VMA's

Some P. A. laid down
a trail of Cheetos leading
to the theater.

A Compassionate Media Covers Owen Wilson's Suicide Attempt

Best wishes, Owen,
while we coat the hospital
like fat white maggots

Perez Hilton, Coming Soon to VH1

Great: Willy Wonka's
annoying Oompa-Loompa
lands a TV gig

Don't Mess with a Guy named Uwe Boll

Please do not hurt me,
mean German director guy.
I heart your fine films!

The Real Reason Karl Rove is Leaving Public Scrutiny

He'd trash suits when his
leathery wings kept ripping

through the backs of 'em

Prince on the Comeback Trail with Planet Earth

Mascara'ed Li'l Elf:
Still singing about his loins
after all these years

Haiku Movie Review, 8/11/07

Arctic Tale

Nothing helps raise kids'
global warming awareness
like walrus fart jokes

Divine Looked Better in a Skirt: Director's Cut

Travolta in drag--
more terrifying than all
four Saw flicks combined.

Art genius paints an

illo to Schmuck's haiku: Ride

that coattail, Schmuck--RIDE!

Dina Lohan Steals from Helpless Animals

Ma Lohan: Please give

back Francis the Talking Mule's

dentures. He needs them.

Shia LaBeouf Must be Alerted to his Funny Name

Rising Star: Call him
Shia LaBeefaroni:
He loves it--trust me.

Michael Vick, First Round Draft Pick for that Special Spot in Hell

What does it say when

Adolf Hitler was nicer

to dogs than you are?

Haiku Movie Review, 8/3/07

The Bourne Ultimatum

Write it down: then you
won't forget stuff like, oh, your
ENTIRE FRICKIN' LIFE

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Spoiler!

Harry chokes on a
Bertie Botts Jelly Bean, dies.
Rowling just got bored.

Daniel Radcliffe, Serious Actor

That Harry Potter!
getting nekkid and gouging
out horses' eyeballs

The Gravy Train Ain't Runnin' No More, Paris Hilton

So Gramps cut you off--
Hardee's is still hurtin' for
Fry cooks, Li'l Chippie

Kelly Clarkson Issues Apology to Clive Davis

Clarkson sucks up. Now

Clive won't send his orc hordes to

slaughter her fam'ly

Power Couple J-Lo and Marc

I know why they've stayed

together this long--it's 'cause

he's eaten her brains

Haiku Movie Review, 7/27/07

No Reservations

Like Tracy/Hepburn,
but with a lobotomy
and that Sunshine kid

Crack, Peter (Pulp Fiction) Greene's Good Friend

Zed digs rock; now the

cops will go all medieval

on Peter Greene's ass

The Vein in Julia Roberts' Forehead

It pulses; like some

sick Cronenberg parasite,

ready to erupt