Friday, August 20, 2010

Haiku Movie Review Part 2, 8/20/10

Nanny McPhee Returns

I would like Mary
Poppins better if she would
brush her ugly tooth

Haiku Movie Review, 8/20/10

Piranha 3-D

Better to be fish
food than a kangaroo's bitch,
Jerry O'Connell

Thursday, August 19, 2010

Ode to Snooki from some damn Reality Show

I still possess my
soul; for I don't know who this
carp-mouthed trashoid is

Friday, August 13, 2010

Haiku Movie Review to the Third Power, 8/13/10

I love a smart flick,

edited so frenetic

that it makes me puke

Haiku Movie Review, Part Deux, 8/13/10

Go on a worldwide
trip with Julia Roberts'
giant forehead vein

Haiku Movie Review, 8/13/10

Co-starring with Sly
Stallone's face in this movie:
Joan Rivers' eyebrows

Summer Movie Catch-Up, Zac Efron Division

I contemplate death
while batting my dreamy eyes,
heaving my buff chest

Thursday, August 12, 2010

Summer Movie Catch-Up, Yeah, More: Adrien Brody, internal dialogue re: Predators

I have an Oscar
but would like to become the

(Microsoft Paint portrait, "Adrien Brody Contemplates," by
Viper Tetsu. Cut me some slack. I did it in five minutes.)

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Summer Movie Catch-Up, Revisited: The A-Team

Turn B.A. into

a wuss for the first hour? Sounds

like box office GOLD!!!

Summer Movie Catch-Up Time:Memo to Nolan re: Inception (for Dave, with Love)

Spoil your great mindf$%#
by casting the guy with the
massive baby head 

Thursday, September 24, 2009

Haiku Movie Review, 9/24/09

The Informant

If Soderbergh farts
into a high-def cam'ra,
crits will still piss selves

Sunday, September 13, 2009

Transformers Crew Slams Megan Fox

I still can't pick this
flat-abbed Barbie Doll out of
a police line-up

Friday, August 28, 2009

Haiku Movie Review, 8/28/09

Taking Woodstock

Be nice to Snoopy's
little yellow buddy, you
damn smelly hippies

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Haiku Movie Review mach 2, 8/28/09

Inglourious Basterds

I love Quentin T
enough to put up with Pitt's
crappy hick accent

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Rotten Tomatoes Rips my Ass Off, maybe

If you're gonna steal
from the Master, at least nick
some laughs, Chuckleheads...

Sunday, July 5, 2009

Diana Ross may get custody of Michael Jackson's children

She'll be a great mom
'cept when she eats viscera
in front of the kids...

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Ten Movies'll be Vying for Best Picture Oscar in 2010

Thank God! That means that
Madea Goes to Jail could
take home Oscar GOLD!!

Haiku Movie Review, 6/24/09

Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen (again)

Will Megan Fox's
over-firm ass turn into
a car or something?

Haiku Movie Review, 6/24/09

Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen

retreats back to a franchise
he did not help kill

Saturday, June 20, 2009

Haiku Movie Review Deux, 6/20/09

Year One

Caveman looks like George
Bernard Shaw compared to this
fossilized li'l turd

Haiku Movie Review, 6/20/09

The Proposal

Cannuck Editor
Dame! Maybe the Deadpool Boy
can marry your ass

Saturday, June 13, 2009

Haiku Movie Review Part Deux, 6/13/09

Imagine That

Keep gumming at that
cinematic oatmeal, Old
Comic Geezer Man

Haiku Movie Review, 6/12/09

The Taking of Pelham 123

The first one? A cup
of New York joe. The new one?
Jolt Cola, no fizz.

Christopher Lee Knighted!

Show some respect: You'll
need to refer to him as
SIR Dracula now

Thursday, May 28, 2009

Haiku Movie Review 5/28/09, Warp Factor 2


A smart, quality
animated flick? Pixar
must think we're all chumps...

Haiku Movie Review 5/28/09, Phase 1

Drag Me to Hell

Hey, Mac Guy--if your
Mac is so great, why can't it
delete demon hags?

Health Concerns for Mel Gibson's Outta-Wedlock Kid-to-Be

Can a toddler get
diabetes suckling its
mother's Sugart%ts?

Thursday, May 21, 2009

Haiku Movie Review 3, 5/22/09

Sucking in your cheeks
won't add gravitas, Grumpy

Haiku Movie Review Part 1, 5/22/09

The next stale spoof will
be written, directed by
some Wayans zygotes

Haiku Movie Review Part 2, 5/22/09

Night at the Museum: Battle of the Smithsonian

May I replace the
monkey and smack Ben Stiller
for doing this crap?

Friday, May 15, 2009

TWILIGHT kid plays Salvador Dali in indie flick: WTF?

Talks to get Paris
Hilton to portray Gala
just fell the hell through:(...

Haiku Movie Review, 5/15/09

Angels and Demons

At least Hanks has ditched
that greasy sub-mullet 'do
from the first movie...

Monday, May 11, 2009

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Kirstie Alley Puts on the Pounds

She gained 83
pounds, and is over forty:
Execute her, please

Saturday, May 2, 2009

Haiku Movie Review, Mayday 2009 Part IV

There's Jackman shirtless:
As for the rest of the film...
Well...Jackman's shirtless

Friday, May 1, 2009

Haiku Movie Review, Mayday 2009, in Supadupa 3-D


Sacha Fierce needn't
worry 'bout clearing mantle
space for that Oscar

Haiku Movie Review, Mayday 2009, Part Deux

Ghosts of Girlfriends Past

Spectres rip open
Grinning Dimwit Redneck's bowels!!
...Not. A guy can dream...

Haiku Movie Review, Mayday 2009

17 Again

Pretty baby-faced
man/boy: eats spray-can Cheez-Whiz,
makes all the 'tweens sigh

Saturday, April 11, 2009

Haiku Movie Review, 4/11/09 Part 3

Observe and Report

Some homage Brando;
Seth Rogan homages that
twonk from King of Queens

Haiku Movie Review, 4/11/09 Mach 2

Fast and Furious (mach 2)

Not many steps up
from fond'ling sh%t-caked diapers,
Scowling Diesel Man

Haiku Movie Review, 4/11/09

Fast and Furious

Not quite a remake;
they took the 'the's out of the
damned movie's title

Billy Bob goes Ballistic

Ghomeshi mis-spoke:
buddy. Get it right!

Friday, March 13, 2009

Radiohead Snubs Hannah Montana

I salute thee, o
mopey limey bastards: You've
made my f$#king week

Haiku Movie Review, 3/13/09

Race to Witch Mountain

That smell isn't what
The Rock's's the stench
of his dead career

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

A Realistic assessment of WATCHMEN's success

Sure, it made a mint;
but will it play to folks who
don't live with their moms?

Friday, February 20, 2009

Thursday, February 12, 2009

Haiku Movie Review, 2/13/09

Screw this remake: I'm
holding out for a scare flick
about Arbor Day

Haiku Movie Review, 2/12/09

Confessions of a Shopaholic

Hey, Perky Greedhead--
maybe Macy's sells film scripts
that are worth a sh%t

Sunday, February 8, 2009

Monday, February 2, 2009

Super Bowl XLIII: An Assessment in Haiku

An embarassment
to my gender I am: I
did not give a sh#t

Michael Phelps Huffs Hookah; Hypocrites Harrumph

Cut the kid a break...
Smoke a fattie, eat some snacks,
and frickin' CHILL, world.

Sunday, February 1, 2009

Better late than never to pick on Pitt: SAG Red Carpet 09

All he needs to look
like my old shop teacher; His
finger up his nose

Jessica Simpson Gains Weight

Repugnant fat cow;
How dare you sport any curves
like real-life women

Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Lloyd Webber Pens Phantom Sequel

Please, God, stop Mr.
Rodent-Cheeked Hack before he

Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Haiku Movie Review, 12/30/08

Give a monkey an
eyepatch and he'll swear he's a
serious artist

Monday, December 29, 2008

Haiku Movie Review, December 29

Thank you, Frank Miller
for such a stylish coal lump
'neath the Christmas tree

Sunday, December 14, 2008

Horton Hears A Haiku Review, 12/14/2008

New-ish on DVD: Horton Hears a Who

Jim Carrey cracking
smarmy over Dr. Seuss?
This'll NEVER date!!

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Velvet Goldmine: A Tribute in Japanese Meter

Lipstick Flash: The pout
slinks around the world to a
gutter-glam backbeat

Friday, September 26, 2008

Haiku Movie Review, 9/26/08, Film 2

Eagle Eye

Wipe that choc'late milk
face hair off your young kisser,

Haiku Movie Review, 9/26/08: Film 1

Nights in Rodanthe

For the love of God,
Gere kisses Diane Lane like
David frickin' Gest

Friday, September 19, 2008

Haiku Movie Review 9/19/08 Part 3 in 3D (not)

My Best Friend's Girl

Hudson and Cook--Two
mental amputees in an
ass-kicking contest

Haiku Movie Review, 9/19/08 Part Deux

Lakeview Terrace

I'm a mushroom-cloud
laying motherf**ker when
I see crap like this

Haiku Movie Review, 9/19/08

(Special Guest Artist for this Haiku Movie Review, Gallery of the Absurd's 14)

Thursday, September 11, 2008

Haiku Movie Review: Film 2, Chapter 2

The Women.2

There is only lint
in your navel, Meg Ryan
stop gazing at it...

Haiku Movie Review: Film 2, Chapter 1

The Women

Cukor gave us dames;
The Murphy Brown scribe gives us
Con$umer$ with Brea$t$

Haiku Movie Review, 9/12/08: Film 1, Chapter 3

Burn After Reading.3

In a creative
bit of casting, Brad Pitt plays
a frickin' idjit

Haiku Movie Review, 9/12/08: Film 1, Chapter 2

Burn After Reading.2

Large Hadron Super
Collider imploded and
Voila! Pitt's hairdo

Haiku Movie Review, 9/12/08: Film 1, Chapter 1

Burn After Reading

A rice-paper-thin
followup to last year's Best

Friday, September 5, 2008

Bangkok Dangerous: A Nicholas Cage Internal Dialogue

Gaze with wonder at
my Marilyn Manson wig
while I blow things up

Sunday, August 31, 2008

Thoughtful Rumination on Presidential Candidates, Part 1

I like the jug-eared
beanpole better than the old
geezer with the mumps

Saturday, August 9, 2008

Shia LaBeefaroni to Lose his Hand?

Maybe Darth Vader
will chop the kid's mitt off, tell
him he's his father

Wednesday, August 6, 2008

Saturday, August 2, 2008

Damn Dead Site Meter

Pulled my Site Meter;
you can visit again, but
no visit count now...

Friday, July 11, 2008

More Fully-Dilated Truth about Breeder Chic: Part 4

(openly inspired by July 11 entry in Gallery of the Absurd: Thanks to 14 and Candy Kirby for thought food)

My seed swims to you
incubator for my horde--
snot-nosed floor-lickers

A C-Section to Breeder Chic, Part 3

(openly inspired by July 11 entry in Gallery of the Absurd: Thanks to 14 and Candy Kirby for thought food)

My vajayjay is
a factory cranking out
screaming earth killers

Breeder Chic Rant (With Contractions at Faster Intervals), Part 2

(openly inspired by July 11 entry in Gallery of the Absurd: Thanks to 14 and Candy Kirby for thought food)

Breeder algebra
the bigger dumba$$ you are
the more pups you poop