Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Lloyd Webber Pens Phantom Sequel

Please, God, stop Mr.
Rodent-Cheeked Hack before he

Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Haiku Movie Review, 12/30/08



Give a monkey an
eyepatch and he'll swear he's a
serious artist

Monday, December 29, 2008

Haiku Movie Review, December 29




Thank you, Frank Miller
for such a stylish coal lump
'neath the Christmas tree

Sunday, December 14, 2008

Horton Hears A Haiku Review, 12/14/2008

New-ish on DVD: Horton Hears a Who

Jim Carrey cracking
smarmy over Dr. Seuss?
This'll NEVER date!!

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Velvet Goldmine: A Tribute in Japanese Meter



Lipstick Flash: The pout
slinks around the world to a
gutter-glam backbeat

Friday, September 26, 2008

Haiku Movie Review, 9/26/08, Film 2

Eagle Eye

Wipe that choc'late milk
face hair off your young kisser,
LaBeefaroni

Haiku Movie Review, 9/26/08: Film 1


Nights in Rodanthe

For the love of God,
Gere kisses Diane Lane like
David frickin' Gest

Friday, September 19, 2008

Haiku Movie Review 9/19/08 Part 3 in 3D (not)

My Best Friend's Girl


Hudson and Cook--Two
mental amputees in an
ass-kicking contest

Haiku Movie Review, 9/19/08 Part Deux

Lakeview Terrace

I'm a mushroom-cloud
laying motherf**ker when
I see crap like this

Haiku Movie Review, 9/19/08


(Special Guest Artist for this Haiku Movie Review, Gallery of the Absurd's 14)


Thursday, September 11, 2008

Haiku Movie Review: Film 2, Chapter 2


The Women.2

There is only lint
in your navel, Meg Ryan
stop gazing at it...

Haiku Movie Review: Film 2, Chapter 1

The Women

Cukor gave us dames;
The Murphy Brown scribe gives us
Con$umer$ with Brea$t$

Haiku Movie Review, 9/12/08: Film 1, Chapter 3

Burn After Reading.3

In a creative
bit of casting, Brad Pitt plays
a frickin' idjit

Haiku Movie Review, 9/12/08: Film 1, Chapter 2


Burn After Reading.2

Large Hadron Super
Collider imploded and
Voila! Pitt's hairdo

Haiku Movie Review, 9/12/08: Film 1, Chapter 1

Burn After Reading

A rice-paper-thin
followup to last year's Best
Picture
? You BETCHA!

Friday, September 5, 2008

Bangkok Dangerous: A Nicholas Cage Internal Dialogue





Gaze with wonder at
my Marilyn Manson wig
while I blow things up

Sunday, August 31, 2008

Thoughtful Rumination on Presidential Candidates, Part 1

I like the jug-eared
beanpole better than the old
geezer with the mumps

Saturday, August 9, 2008

Shia LaBeefaroni to Lose his Hand?


Maybe Darth Vader
will chop the kid's mitt off, tell
him he's his father

Wednesday, August 6, 2008

Saturday, August 2, 2008

Damn Dead Site Meter


Pulled my Site Meter;
you can visit again, but
no visit count now...

Friday, July 11, 2008

More Fully-Dilated Truth about Breeder Chic: Part 4

(openly inspired by July 11 entry in Gallery of the Absurd: Thanks to 14 and Candy Kirby for thought food)


My seed swims to you
incubator for my horde--
snot-nosed floor-lickers

A C-Section to Breeder Chic, Part 3


(openly inspired by July 11 entry in Gallery of the Absurd: Thanks to 14 and Candy Kirby for thought food)





My vajayjay is
a factory cranking out
screaming earth killers

Breeder Chic Rant (With Contractions at Faster Intervals), Part 2


(openly inspired by July 11 entry in Gallery of the Absurd: Thanks to 14 and Candy Kirby for thought food)


Breeder algebra
the bigger dumba$$ you are
the more pups you poop

The Swollen Belly of Truth Behind Breeder Chic, Part 1

(openly inspired by July 11 entry in Gallery of the Absurd: Thanks to 14 and Candy Kirby for thought food)

Crabby baby with
s%!t-caked diapers; mewling and
suckling your udders


Sunday, June 22, 2008

Haiku Movie Review, 6/22/08



Nothing fuels cosmic
enlightenment like a few
fart and penis jokes

Thursday, June 19, 2008

Haiku Movie Review, 6/19/08

Get Smart

At least it's better
than that putrescent poop pile,
Evan Almighty

Saturday, June 14, 2008

R Kelly Cleared of Child Porn Charges

Guess R's a shoo-in
for that guest shot on Hannah
Montana right now...

Saturday, June 7, 2008

Kung Fu Panda Cruelly Mocks Sensitive Demographic


It'll just make fat
bears with no Kung Fu skills feel
really insecure

Friday, June 6, 2008

Haiku Movie Review, 6/6/08



Can I get big bucks
for doing a Borat voice
in a crappy wig?

Thursday, June 5, 2008

Ode to Bullitt: Film Nerd Haiku times Three


Hitmen in black gloves
glower, tearing up pavement
as McQueen gives chase


Mustang on Charger
like a supersonic fly
on Turbo-Charged Sh#t...

Squealing tires, real cars:
The Fast and the Furious
can kiss my tailpipe


(image used with kind permission from 14's Gallery of the Absurd website)

Speed Racer Movie Flops: Insert Car Crash Pun Here


















Chimps in beanies and
seizure-inducing colors

Tuesday, June 3, 2008

Thursday, May 29, 2008

Haiku Movie Review, 5/30/08




Manolo Blahniks
come in eight diff'rent shades of
I don't give a sh*t

Friday, May 23, 2008

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

Winona and Keanu an Item?


Scared little mousie:
you make a first-rate beard for
that Matrix doorknob

Haiku Movie Preview, 5/21/08

Indiana Jones and the Kashkow with the Long-Assed Title




I have sacrificed
a goat to the gods in the
hope that it won't suck

Sunday, April 6, 2008

Farewell, Charlton Heston


Get your stinking paws

off Charlton Heston, you damn

dirty Grim Reaper

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

Heather Mills rewrites the Beatles' 'Glass Onion'




Here's a twenty-four
million-pound clue for you all:
The Wallet was Paul's

Friday, March 14, 2008

Dawn 'Mary Ann' Wells Rides the Hookah Highway

I thought that it was

the mascara that made her

eyes so frickin' red

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

Haiku Movie Review, 3/11/08

10,000 BC

Pretty cave stud--Fight
those mammoths, but don't muss your
perfect li'l dreadlocks

Friday, March 7, 2008

Haiku Movie Review, 3/7/08

See the dead horsie
named 'Man-Boy Schtick." Flog that corpse,
Will Farrell--FLOG IT!!

Haiku Movie Review, 3/7/08

The Spiderwick Chronicles

I liked Spiderwick
better when he wore tights and
kicked Green Goblin's
ass

Friday, February 29, 2008

Haiku Movie Review, 2/29/2008





Wednesday Addams plays
Posh Spice, only with cheaper
clothes and less make-up

Saturday, January 26, 2008

Tuesday, January 1, 2008

Miley Cyrus, Irritating Tween-Sensation Freak


No human is she:
Her carrot-munching bunny
lips scare me spitless