Guest Haiku: Birthday Greetings to Gallery of the Absurd's 14 from Paris Hilton

Haiku Movie Review, 12/13/07

The Golden Compass


The Coke Polar Bear
is a heretic: He eats
Cath'lics for lunch. Yum!

Haiku to an Extra-Unpleasant Breeder, part 1

Out with swollen t!ts

in public like some bovine;

cover em, Breeder

Haiku Movie Review, 11/16/07

Beowulf

Hey--they got some great
voice talent for this here new
Playstation 3 game

The Hollywood Writers Strike Hits Home for Haiku Composer

If this cuts into


new Cavemen episodes, it's


razor-to-wrist time

The Great Masses Weigh in on the Writers Guild Strike

Snottypance riters
hu needz yu i onlee wotch
reallutee showse

Dork arrested for stealing Indy 4 secrets could've fared worse...

If he'd have opened

that Indy 4 Zip file, his

face woulda melted

Haiku Movie Review, 11/2/07

Martian Child

Martin Blank would kick

milksop John Cusack's ass in

a Grosse Pointe minute

Feedback from the Current Administration re: Gore's Laurels

Leader of the Free
World eloquently weighs in
on Gore's Nobel Prize

Al Gore Wins Nobel Peace Prize

Good thing we kicked this
pinko hippie rat bastard
out of the White House

K-Fed Gets Kids, Required to Get Ducks in Row

Yo, yo, Judge! 'Sup? You
mean Kev can't share brews with Sean
and Jayden no more?

How Britney's Sons Should Reward their Mama's Parenting Skills

Sean and Jayden sneak
into Brit's bedroom, and then
kill her in her sleep

Haiku Movie Review, 9/26/07

Good Luck Chuck

If it looks like a

turd, and smells like a turd, it

must be Good Luck Chuck.

Prez finds shiny new US Attorney General

Bush's first choice died

when brave young Luke Skywalker

blew up the Death Star

Sacrificing that goat paid off: Kathie Lee not on THE VIEW

I miss seeing that
forehead vein and that taut skin
on morning TV.

If You Can't Say Something Nice: Britney Spears' VMA Performance

At least she wiped the

orange off her face before she

put the headset on

How MTV got Britney Spears to sing on the VMA's

Some P. A. laid down
a trail of Cheetos leading
to the theater.

A Compassionate Media Covers Owen Wilson's Suicide Attempt

Best wishes, Owen,
while we coat the hospital
like fat white maggots

Perez Hilton, Coming Soon to VH1

Great: Willy Wonka's
annoying Oompa-Loompa
lands a TV gig

Don't Mess with a Guy named Uwe Boll

Please do not hurt me,
mean German director guy.
I heart your fine films!

The Real Reason Karl Rove is Leaving Public Scrutiny

He'd trash suits when his
leathery wings kept ripping

through the backs of 'em

Prince on the Comeback Trail with Planet Earth

Mascara'ed Li'l Elf:
Still singing about his loins
after all these years

Haiku Movie Review, 8/11/07

Arctic Tale

Nothing helps raise kids'
global warming awareness
like walrus fart jokes

Divine Looked Better in a Skirt: Director's Cut

Travolta in drag--
more terrifying than all
four Saw flicks combined.

Art genius paints an

illo to Schmuck's haiku: Ride

that coattail, Schmuck--RIDE!

Dina Lohan Steals from Helpless Animals

Ma Lohan: Please give

back Francis the Talking Mule's

dentures. He needs them.

Shia LaBeouf Must be Alerted to his Funny Name

Rising Star: Call him
Shia LaBeefaroni:
He loves it--trust me.

Michael Vick, First Round Draft Pick for that Special Spot in Hell

What does it say when

Adolf Hitler was nicer

to dogs than you are?

Haiku Movie Review, 8/3/07

The Bourne Ultimatum

Write it down: then you
won't forget stuff like, oh, your
ENTIRE FRICKIN' LIFE

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Spoiler!

Harry chokes on a
Bertie Botts Jelly Bean, dies.
Rowling just got bored.

Daniel Radcliffe, Serious Actor

That Harry Potter!
getting nekkid and gouging
out horses' eyeballs

The Gravy Train Ain't Runnin' No More, Paris Hilton

So Gramps cut you off--
Hardee's is still hurtin' for
Fry cooks, Li'l Chippie

Kelly Clarkson Issues Apology to Clive Davis

Clarkson sucks up. Now

Clive won't send his orc hordes to

slaughter her fam'ly

Power Couple J-Lo and Marc

I know why they've stayed

together this long--it's 'cause

he's eaten her brains

Haiku Movie Review, 7/27/07

No Reservations

Like Tracy/Hepburn,
but with a lobotomy
and that Sunshine kid

Crack, Peter (Pulp Fiction) Greene's Good Friend

Zed digs rock; now the

cops will go all medieval

on Peter Greene's ass

The Vein in Julia Roberts' Forehead

It pulses; like some

sick Cronenberg parasite,

ready to erupt

Ode to Carrot Top