A Compassionate Media Covers Owen Wilson's Suicide Attempt

Best wishes, Owen,
while we coat the hospital
like fat white maggots

Perez Hilton, Coming Soon to VH1

Great: Willy Wonka's
annoying Oompa-Loompa
lands a TV gig

Don't Mess with a Guy named Uwe Boll

Please do not hurt me,
mean German director guy.
I heart your fine films!

The Real Reason Karl Rove is Leaving Public Scrutiny

He'd trash suits when his
leathery wings kept ripping

through the backs of 'em

Prince on the Comeback Trail with Planet Earth

Mascara'ed Li'l Elf:
Still singing about his loins
after all these years

Haiku Movie Review, 8/11/07

Arctic Tale

Nothing helps raise kids'
global warming awareness
like walrus fart jokes

Divine Looked Better in a Skirt: Director's Cut

Travolta in drag--
more terrifying than all
four Saw flicks combined.

Art genius paints an

illo to Schmuck's haiku: Ride

that coattail, Schmuck--RIDE!

Dina Lohan Steals from Helpless Animals

Ma Lohan: Please give

back Francis the Talking Mule's

dentures. He needs them.

Shia LaBeouf Must be Alerted to his Funny Name

Rising Star: Call him
Shia LaBeefaroni:
He loves it--trust me.

Michael Vick, First Round Draft Pick for that Special Spot in Hell

What does it say when

Adolf Hitler was nicer

to dogs than you are?

Haiku Movie Review, 8/3/07

The Bourne Ultimatum

Write it down: then you
won't forget stuff like, oh, your
ENTIRE FRICKIN' LIFE

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Spoiler!

Harry chokes on a
Bertie Botts Jelly Bean, dies.
Rowling just got bored.

Daniel Radcliffe, Serious Actor

That Harry Potter!
getting nekkid and gouging
out horses' eyeballs