Haiku Movie Review: Film 2, Chapter 1

The Women

Cukor gave us dames;
The Murphy Brown scribe gives us
Con$umer$ with Brea$t$

Haiku Movie Review, 9/12/08: Film 1, Chapter 3

Burn After Reading.3

In a creative
bit of casting, Brad Pitt plays
a frickin' idjit

Haiku Movie Review, 9/12/08: Film 1, Chapter 2

Burn After Reading.2

Large Hadron Super
Collider imploded and
Voila! Pitt's hairdo

Haiku Movie Review, 9/12/08: Film 1, Chapter 1

Burn After Reading

A rice-paper-thin
followup to last year's Best
Picture? You BETCHA!

Bangkok Dangerous: A Nicholas Cage Internal Dialogue

Gaze with wonder at
my Marilyn Manson wig
while I blow things up

Thoughtful Rumination on Presidential Candidates, Part 1

I like the jug-eared
beanpole better than the old
geezer with the mumps

Haiku Movie Review, 8/29/08

Babylon AD

Children of Men screws
its own cousin, gives birth to
inbred moron film

Haiku Movie Review, 8/29/08

College

Grotesque weasel kid
from American Idol
does Nerdsploitation

Isaac Hayes is Gone...Can You Dig It?

Xenu’s mothership
Has come for the baddest bad
mutha of all time...

Shia LaBeefaroni to Lose his Hand?

Maybe Darth Vader

will chop the kid's mitt off, tell

him he's his father

Haiku Movie Review, 8/6/08

Brideshead Revisited

Upper-crust? Who cares!
Emma Thompson is smoking
with that hot white hair

Damn Dead Site Meter

Pulled my Site Meter;

you can visit again, but

no visit count now...

Say it Ain't So: Batman Beats his Momma and Sis

Please God, tell me Bale's

POWs and ZAPs were confined to

the multiplex screen

More Fully-Dilated Truth about Breeder Chic: Part 4

(openly inspired by July 11 entry in Gallery of the Absurd: Thanks to 14 and Candy Kirby for thought food)


My seed swims to you
incubator for my horde--
snot-nosed floor-lickers

A C-Section to Breeder Chic, Part 3

(openly inspired by July 11 entry in Gallery of the Absurd: Thanks to 14 and Candy Kirby for thought food)

My vajayjay is
a factory cranking out
screaming earth killers

Breeder Chic Rant (With Contractions at Faster Intervals), Part 2

(openly inspired by July 11 entry in Gallery of the Absurd: Thanks to 14 and Candy Kirby for thought food)


Breeder algebra
the bigger dumba$$ you are
the more pups you poop

The Swollen Belly of Truth Behind Breeder Chic, Part 1

(openly inspired by July 11 entry in Gallery of the Absurd: Thanks to 14 and Candy Kirby for thought food)

Crabby baby with
s%!t-caked diapers; mewling and
suckling your udders

Haiku Movie Review, 6/22/08

The Love Guru

Nothing fuels cosmic

enlightenment like a few

fart and penis jokes

Haiku Movie Review, 6/19/08

Get Smart

At least it's better
than that putrescent poop pile,
Evan Almighty

R Kelly Cleared of Child Porn Charges

Guess R's a shoo-in
for that guest shot on Hannah
Montana right now...

Kung Fu Panda Cruelly Mocks Sensitive Demographic

It'll just make fat

bears with no Kung Fu skills feel

really insecure

Haiku Movie Review, 6/6/08

You Don't Mess with the Zohan

Can I get big bucks

for doing a Borat voice

in a crappy wig?

Ode to Bullitt: Film Nerd Haiku times Three

Hitmen in black gloves

glower, tearing up pavement

as McQueen gives chase

Mustang on Charger

like a supersonic fly

on Turbo-Charged Sh#t...

Squealing tires, real cars:

The Fast and the Furious

can kiss my tailpipe

(image used with kind permission from 14's Gallery of the Absurd website)

Speed Racer Movie Flops: Insert Car Crash Pun Here

Chimps in beanies and

seizure-inducing colors

AREN'T box office gold??!

Haiku Movie Review, 6/3/08

Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Casper the Friendly Ghost or Something

Diet Lord of the

Rings, with a pretty boy and

a big talking cat

Post-Script to Haiku Movie Preview of 5/21/08

Indiana Jones and the Blah Blah Whatever

Maybe I should have

sacrificed a small child or

George Lucas instead

Haiku Movie Review, 5/30/08

Sex and the City: The Movie

Manolo Blahniks

come in eight diff'rent shades of

I don't give a sh*t

In case you give a rat's ass: New American Idol crowned!

The one guy with the
fancy-schmancy combover
is the big winner

Jodie Foster splits with Lover of 14 Years

The press dines on her
private life with fava beans,
a nice chianti

Winona and Keanu an Item?

Scared little mousie:
you make a first-rate beard for
that Matrix doorknob

Haiku Movie Preview, 5/21/08

Indiana Jones and the Kashkow with the Long-Assed Title

I have sacrificed

a goat to the gods in the

hope that it won't suck

Farewell, Charlton Heston

Get your stinking paws

off Charlton Heston, you damn

dirty Grim Reaper

Heather Mills rewrites the Beatles' 'Glass Onion'

Here's a twenty-four

million-pound clue for you all:

The Wallet was Paul's

Dawn 'Mary Ann' Wells Rides the Hookah Highway

I thought that it was

the mascara that made her

eyes so frickin' red

Haiku Movie Review, 3/11/08

10,000 BC

Pretty cave stud--Fight
those mammoths, but don't muss your
perfect li'l dreadlocks

Haiku Movie Review, 3/7/08

Semi-Pro

See the dead horsie

named 'Man-Boy Schtick." Flog that corpse,

Will Farrell--FLOG IT!!

Haiku Movie Review, 3/7/08

The Spiderwick Chronicles

I liked Spiderwick
better when he wore tights and
kicked Green Goblin's ass

Haiku Movie Review, 2/29/2008

Penelope

Wednesday Addams plays
Posh Spice, only with cheaper
clothes and less make-up

Pauly Shore and Wes Craven are a'feudin'!

Man who makes films 'bout

dead guys gets sued by The Thing

with The Dead Career

Haiku Movie Review, 2/2/2008

Over Her Dead Body



Walking Makeup Stain

dies, then her ghost picks on that

Boston Legal dame

Haiku Movie Review, 1/26/08

Cloverfield

Big Monster devours
obnoxious twenty-somethings.
...And this is bad, how?

Haiku Movie Review, 1/26/2008

The Bucket List

The movie might stink

less if it came inside a

colostomy bag

Miley Cyrus, Irritating Tween-Sensation Freak

No human is she:
Her carrot-munching bunny
lips scare me spitless

Guest Haiku: Birthday Greetings to Gallery of the Absurd's 14 from Paris Hilton

Haiku Movie Review, 12/13/07

The Golden Compass


The Coke Polar Bear
is a heretic: He eats
Cath'lics for lunch. Yum!

Haiku to an Extra-Unpleasant Breeder, part 1

Out with swollen t!ts

in public like some bovine;

cover em, Breeder

Haiku Movie Review, 11/16/07

Beowulf

Hey--they got some great
voice talent for this here new
Playstation 3 game

The Hollywood Writers Strike Hits Home for Haiku Composer

If this cuts into


new Cavemen episodes, it's


razor-to-wrist time

The Great Masses Weigh in on the Writers Guild Strike

Snottypance riters
hu needz yu i onlee wotch
reallutee showse

Dork arrested for stealing Indy 4 secrets could've fared worse...

If he'd have opened

that Indy 4 Zip file, his

face woulda melted

Haiku Movie Review, 11/2/07

Martian Child

Martin Blank would kick

milksop John Cusack's ass in

a Grosse Pointe minute

Feedback from the Current Administration re: Gore's Laurels

Leader of the Free
World eloquently weighs in
on Gore's Nobel Prize

Al Gore Wins Nobel Peace Prize

Good thing we kicked this
pinko hippie rat bastard
out of the White House

K-Fed Gets Kids, Required to Get Ducks in Row

Yo, yo, Judge! 'Sup? You
mean Kev can't share brews with Sean
and Jayden no more?

How Britney's Sons Should Reward their Mama's Parenting Skills

Sean and Jayden sneak
into Brit's bedroom, and then
kill her in her sleep

Haiku Movie Review, 9/26/07

Good Luck Chuck

If it looks like a

turd, and smells like a turd, it

must be Good Luck Chuck.

Prez finds shiny new US Attorney General

Bush's first choice died

when brave young Luke Skywalker

blew up the Death Star

Sacrificing that goat paid off: Kathie Lee not on THE VIEW

I miss seeing that
forehead vein and that taut skin
on morning TV.

If You Can't Say Something Nice: Britney Spears' VMA Performance

At least she wiped the

orange off her face before she

put the headset on

How MTV got Britney Spears to sing on the VMA's

Some P. A. laid down
a trail of Cheetos leading
to the theater.

A Compassionate Media Covers Owen Wilson's Suicide Attempt

Best wishes, Owen,
while we coat the hospital
like fat white maggots

Perez Hilton, Coming Soon to VH1

Great: Willy Wonka's
annoying Oompa-Loompa
lands a TV gig

Don't Mess with a Guy named Uwe Boll

Please do not hurt me,
mean German director guy.
I heart your fine films!

The Real Reason Karl Rove is Leaving Public Scrutiny

He'd trash suits when his
leathery wings kept ripping

through the backs of 'em

Prince on the Comeback Trail with Planet Earth

Mascara'ed Li'l Elf:
Still singing about his loins
after all these years

Haiku Movie Review, 8/11/07

Arctic Tale

Nothing helps raise kids'
global warming awareness
like walrus fart jokes

Divine Looked Better in a Skirt: Director's Cut

Travolta in drag--
more terrifying than all
four Saw flicks combined.

Art genius paints an

illo to Schmuck's haiku: Ride

that coattail, Schmuck--RIDE!

Dina Lohan Steals from Helpless Animals

Ma Lohan: Please give

back Francis the Talking Mule's

dentures. He needs them.

Shia LaBeouf Must be Alerted to his Funny Name

Rising Star: Call him
Shia LaBeefaroni:
He loves it--trust me.

Michael Vick, First Round Draft Pick for that Special Spot in Hell

What does it say when

Adolf Hitler was nicer

to dogs than you are?

Haiku Movie Review, 8/3/07

The Bourne Ultimatum

Write it down: then you
won't forget stuff like, oh, your
ENTIRE FRICKIN' LIFE

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Spoiler!

Harry chokes on a
Bertie Botts Jelly Bean, dies.
Rowling just got bored.

Daniel Radcliffe, Serious Actor

That Harry Potter!
getting nekkid and gouging
out horses' eyeballs